so i've decided to invent something. i don't know how in the world i could possibly do it, but nevertheless i think people would appreciate my invention. i believe i'll call it the "use it or lose it." perhaps it'll be an application...i think that's the only way it would work actually :/

how many of you hate when someone asks for your phone number, but for whatever reason you never hear from them? or perhaps you all talked (text/voice/what have you) for a period of time, but for whatever reason, you just don't talk anymore...with the Use It or Lose It app, that person would be deleted from your contact list thus forcing you to ask for said person's contact info AGAIN. Why do I think this is such a remarkable idea? Because I'm sick and tired of waiting around for people to call me after they ask for my number. If you weren't going to to use it, why did you ask for it? I assumed by your asking that you would attempt to contact me at some point in the near future, however, you have not. In this event, I prefer you not have my number at all. To some, this may sound a little crazy; maybe this just makes sense to me because of my personality. I like my privacy. I like knowing who has my number because I typically only keep the numbers of people that I WANT to contact. Anyways I guess it does sound a little silly, but I think it would help to prevent people from "collecting" phone numbers. They would only ask you for your number if they were going to use it, or it would force them to actually talk to you every once in a while in order to keep it. What I think would be entertaining would be the ability to attach the app to YOUR personal cell number...that way everyone could decide if they want people to keep their number & for how long. Gah I do sound a little crazy. I randomly thought of this basic idea sometime between 2 & 9 this morning (horrible night sleep) and all these other details are being made up as I type. ha!

Needless to say it's been a very trying day so far.

Could NOT go to sleep.

Kept waking up.

Birds chirping at 5am. (i'm not a morning person by any standard)

LEAF BLOWERS 6-7am.  (i currently live on campus & the layout is a little hard to explain, but the door to my room goes directly outside & is on the ground level of the hall) so when the leaf blowers decide to blow stupid leaves at 6am i can hear them like they're IN my room.

Work at the campus ID office 11-4:30 (yes I'm still here) which this isn't so bad. I like the people--a few people--I work with & the work isn't difficult. The only real problem I have with this part of my day is the fact that since it's spring break, everyone is gone. I pretty much spend 5 and 1/2 hours sitting here...reading some...playin on the internet. Bored mostly...but I need money so I'm here.

The only real thing I have to look forward to is the hopes of getting extremely drunk Wednesday night with some friends at our usual spot (we haven't gotten to go in over a month) & coming in to work hungover on Thursday. I will have no shame in this either. I've already pre-warned Stephanie.

So yeah I know it's been over 6 months since I've written anything...but I'd like to think I'm getting back in gear & finally coming back around to myself. Me & Ricky broke up back in November. I spent my New Years with my little crew of Kelly, Daniel, Sam, and this girl Kelly brought in Atlanta, GA for the UT/VT game which was really fun :) I said before New Years that I was determined to make 2010 a fresh start for me...just start from scratch. I think I've done OK with that, but somethings you just can't go back on y'know? lol
I've started writing again & it just reminds me how much I've missed that. It's so amazing to be able to get my feelings out on a piece of paper...such a release. :)
As usual I'm having problems...I worry too much about stupid things and I let myself get in situations where if it weren't for the things I did and said, it wouldn't be happening...if any of that makes any sense.
OK. Let's start from the top.
Considering that I certainly don't write as much as I used to (or really should) I don't know what all I've expressed...
My friend Kelly is like my best guy friend. We've known each other for YEARS. I've went to the same church with him for probably 8 or 9 years. He's 3 years older than me so I've always known of him, but until college we weren't really friends...anyways. He also dated a friend of mine all through highschool & she would talk to me about their relationship and stuff. They dated (on and off) for probably about 4-5 years. Our freshman year in college, she got pregnant with his child. They've since broke up and she's dating some other guy & I'm gonna stop there cause there are waayyy to many details to go along with that story...anyways. Me & my friend Mikala would go over to Adam & Kelly's apt, hang out, drink, whatever and just have a good time. Mikala started staying at their apt now and then, but I always made sure I went home. Then Mikala started talking & dating Adam...then when me & my old roomie Cassandra moved into the same apt complex as Kelly, he started talking to her. They had a "friends with benefits" type relationship & he wanted to date her, but she kept making excuses why she couldn't. Eventually after we thought she'd dropped off the face of the earth we found out that she was already in a relationship...anyways. So me & Kelly have spent many nights sittin in my apt or his apartment just talking...about everything...his baby-mama-drama, what's going on with Cassandra, what's going on in our families, school stuff, just EVERYTHING. We were so cool with each other & we were just friends. Now mind you, when we drank, we usually made out, but that was IT. He mentioned dating, but I just couldn't because I felt like he was just using me as a last resort.
So after me & Ricky broke up I finally got to start hanging out with him again, but he's been hangin out with Daniel & Sam so much that I don't get to talk to him like I used to...but we still all go out together & drink & stuff. He still wants to kiss me & such...whenever he takes me back to my apt, I know what's coming...and he's not a bad kisser. In fact, he's a very good kisser lol But that's not all...the night right after me & Ricky broke up, I was invited out to Capone's with Kelly, Daniel, Katie (another girl Kelly knew & therefore brought out) Lili, and Matt...I didn't know Daniel like AT ALL, but he sat between me & Kelly and even bought me a couple drinks lol We went out a couple more times (in the group) over the next week or so & after one late night I got a text from Kelly that Daniel wanted my number...i told him to wait til Daniel was sober to see if he still wanted it. The next afternoon I got a text from Daniel. We texted back & forth for the next like 2 weeks. Then it just slowed down...then nothing. I'm not EXACTLY sure what happened, but nevertheless...we all still hung out and we out and such, but he just doesn't talk to me much anymore...who knows...but me being me...I LOVE to kiss...it's like my favorite thing in the world. When I drink, I really really want to...and for some reason after talking to him and flirting with him back before he stopped talking to me, I just really wanted to kiss Daniel. I just wanted to know what it would be like. So I decided I would give it a shot...one drunken night I asked if he could keep a secret...then told him nevermind cause i didn't think he could...the next night I told him that I was ALMOST drunk enough to ask if he would makeout with me. He said that I should let him know next time...a few weeks ago we went to a show at a bar & we were ALL pretty darn drunk. Kelly wasn't there (& didn't know bout me wantin to kiss Daniel...after all he still wants to make out) and Daniel is dancing with me and we're flirting & then he keeps hinting about "the secret" I was drunk enough that when he got close enough I just kissed him right there in the middle of the floor in front of everyone :/ when it was brought up later I just played it off as ppl do silly things with they're drunk...even though when we got back to Daniel & Sam's apt for me to get my car, Daniel decided i was "too drunk to drive home" and I stayed the night with him. I hate to admit that I loved it...we stayed up til like 5 in the morning...only slept til like 9, but I loved how he held me, and touched me, and kissed me...we joked around, played, cuddled...it was amazing. Then the morning came...he invited me to stay the day, but I felt like I really needed to go shower so he said I could leave then come back, but my mom called & wanted to meet for lunch so I had to leave...he tried to tell me i was too drunk again and to stay a couple weeks ago, but Kelly was there & I knew I couldn't let him SEE me stay...plus i was fine. Then last wednesday it happened again...i had 5 shots of tequila & i thought i was fine, but Daniel took my keys and purse away so I had to stay...another amazing night.
It kinda makes me mad at myself for staying. I love the way he holds me, the way I love to be close to him...how if he says something mean & i threaten to leave, he grabs me and wont let me go. I love feeling wanted...but I know that he doesn't want ME...he just didn't wanna be alone. He knows that if I'm there, he'll get that attention he wants, but without the commitment. Cause he hardly EVER texts/calls/messages me unless it's for a very specific reason. It's just so confusing cause if I were to listen to the things that Sam (his roommate) says, you'd think he DOES like me...but he just never acts like it...unless we're alone in his bed. I mean Sam's said stuff like one night we all went out and I was determined to flirt with whoever would pay attention to me & not pay as much attention to Daniel & when we were gettin ready to leave, Sam pulled me to him (drunk of course) and said "I know about you & Kelly, but I won't tell Daniel" and i'm like huh? 1. me and kelly are just friends (even thought I'm guessing Sam was referring to our extreme flirting & possible kissing) and 2. what does Daniel have to do with anything? lol & then the other night Sam, Jess & Kelly were talkin bout goin to eat & Kelly invited me then apparently they were talkin bout who all was going. Kelly asked Sam if Daniel was coming, Sam said to just tell him I was going & he'd go...I don't get it...ugh. I don't get why it just feels like he uses me but then little things like this happen and it's like if he's just using me why would it matter if I go or not...

boys...